hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
