Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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