I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
