I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
