I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
