If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
