So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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