I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
