Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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