I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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