I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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