Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
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