Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
