Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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