I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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