Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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