my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
