the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
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They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
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Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
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