wat bout pragnant strippers??
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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