I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
where am i from again
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
