I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
