If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
