you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
