we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
