oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
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You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
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We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
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