so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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