if i can run in heels then i can drive
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
