hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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