Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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