Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
