You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
