Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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