I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
