as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
