Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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