I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
