Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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