My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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