If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
