I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
