I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
