I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I deserve this hangover.
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