I'm so fucking centered right now
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
