She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
