No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
