Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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