im drinking this country out of the recession.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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