Moan for me like Helen Keller
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
