I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
