i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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