lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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