Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
