Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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