My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
