Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
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Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
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Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
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