Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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