dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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