he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
