life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
