remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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