So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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